You're Crushing It by Lex Croucher

Author:Lex Croucher
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Bloomsbury Publishing
Published: 2019-03-15T00:00:00+00:00

The robots work for you now

Social media and smartphones open up a vast and previously unexplored landscape of potential to make friends, discover new things and embarrass yourself so thoroughly that you beg your dog to swap lives with you (even though you’ve seen him eat his own poo).

It could be argued that eating one’s own poo is preferable to liking someone’s Instagram photo from 181 days ago, posting something private to the completely wrong account, or daring to talk about politics on the Internet and then getting hate-tweets from twelve men who all have default profile pictures and are all called Dave. The Internet is fun, isn’t it?

My life is wonderful, but it’s not perfect …

AND ANYBODY WHO SAYS THEIRS IS MUST BE BLUFFING

Would it actually be nice to always have perfectly clean, fresh sheets, complicated quinoa-porridge breakfasts, meticulously toned abs and a French bulldog puppy you could dress up in Christmas jumpers? The big names of Instagram sell this to us as the dream … but let’s break it down.

THERE’LL BE EVEN MORE LAUNDRY

WHEN YOU INEVITABLY SPILL THAT LATTE ON THOSE SHEETS

Unless you become a millionaire overnight, you’re going to have to do all the hard work behind the scenes yourself. You’ve got to constantly do laundry to make sure your bed looks nice for the next ‘lazy Sunday in bed #soblessed’ picture. You’ve got to buy a proper coffee machine so you can steam the almond milk for the latte you’ll be placing precariously on a knitted blanket on top of those sheets. There’ll be even more laundry when you inevitably spill that latte on those sheets.

Making quinoa-infused porridge with home-made nut butter and berry compote for breakfast takes a lot of time and money spent at the organic food shop. You’ll be giving up your lunch break every day to go to the gym in exchange for the abs, which frankly sounds exhausting, and spending all your money on flights to exotic locales (which will really cut into your nut butter budget).

Your French bulldog puppy will have been horribly overbred and will barely be able to breathe through its little snout, so you’d better start saving to treat its expensive health problems in later life. I know. I’m a right little ray of sunshine.

The point I’m trying to make is that presenting your life as perfect on social media is almost a full-time job in itself. Everybody’s actually using filters to make their sheets whiter, cropping out the messy parts of their bedrooms, and spending so long making their fancy breakfasts that they’re late for work and barely have time to eat said fancy breakfast.

PRESENTING YOUR LIFE AS PERFECT ON SOCIAL MEDIA

IS ALMOST A FULL-TIME JOB

The only people who really do have effortlessly Instagram-ready lives are the über-wealthy, with staff to make their breakfast and their beds. And as much as it pains me to say this, you could have twenty pugs and it wouldn’t guarantee happiness. I know, it sounds unlikely. But it’s true.

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